The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
by Laura Andrews
Summary: This is a VERY funny, movie script version of The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. For best results, read it outloud, either to someone else, or just to yourself.


England Mum: Get out! The Krauts are bombing us!  
Lucy: I want my teddy bear!  
Mum: Now!  
They run to cellar.  
Train Station Mum: You kids be good.  
Kids: Yes mum. Bye!  
Prof's House Lucy: Let's play hide and seek.  
Peter: Alright.  
Lucy: Oh, cool, a wardrobe.  
She goes inside.  
Lucy: Groovy! A forest and a street light.  
Faun comes up.  
Faun: Who are you?  
Lucy: I'm Lucy. What are you?  
Faun: I'm a faun. What are you?  
Lucy: A beardless dwarf, better known as HomoSapien. In other words, you dumb ape, a girl.  
Faun: Oh, I get it! Cool! Will you come with me? We can have a tea party.  
Lucy: Yeah. Why not?  
Faun's House Lucy: This picture looks like you.  
Faun: That's my dad. I'm not like him at all.  
Lucy: Why not?  
Faun: Because I'm kidnapping you so the White Witch can have you.  
Lucy: Oh. Why?  
Faun: Because she pays me good money.  
Lucy: Thought you were my friend. I'm leaving.  
Faun: Wait! I decided I'll help you. Let's go.  
Out of the wardrobe Lucy: Hey, I'm back!  
Pete: Huh?  
Ed: Your stupid.  
Su: Huh?  
Lucy: Come and see!  
Pete: Don't see anything, except this old closet.  
Ed: Don't be stupid Lucy.  
Lucy runs out crying.  
Nighttime Lucy: Maybe I had a dumb dream.  
She takes a candle and goes to the wardrobe.  
Ed: Lucy, your stupid. Lucy, where are you?  
He steps in wardrobe.  
Ed: Weird! A forest. I'm outta here.  
He hears sleigh bells.  
Witch: Stop!  
Ed: Huh?  
Witch: I see you are a total idiot.  
Ed: Huh?  
Witch: Come sit on my sled. Do you want cocoa?  
Ed: Why not?  
Witch: Say Your Majesty.  
Ed: Why?  
Witch: Because if you don't I'll turn you to stone.  
Ed: Ok, Your Majesty.  
Witch: Want some Turkish Delight?  
Ed: I don't care.  
Witch: I hope you enjoyed yourself. Come to my castle with your family, and I'll give you more.  
Ed: Ok, why not?  
Witch: Get out of the sled. Dwarf, drive on.  
Ed: Bye!  
Lu: There you are. Did you have fun.  
Ed: No. I was looking for you. Let's go.  
Out of wardrobe again Lucy: Wake up, everyone! I went back to Narnia.  
Pete: Go back to sleep.  
Lucy: No. Wake up.  
Su: Huh?  
Lucy: Ask Edmund.  
Pete: Well, Ed?  
Ed: Shut up.  
Lucy runs out crying.  
Pete: Let's tell on her.  
The prof's room Pete: Lucy's being weird.  
Prof: What if she's telling the truth.  
Su: Never thought of that.  
Pete: Yeah. Let's go.  
Outside Pete: Are you ready, Ed?  
Ed: Why not?  
Pete throws the ball, and it crashes through window.  
Ed: Your fault.  
Pete: No, yours.  
Su: Macready is coming!  
Lucy: Let's hide in the wardrobe.  
Pete: Ok.  
Wardrobe Pete: We're in Narnia. Cool.  
Ed: I'm gonna be sick. Let's go to the Witch's house.  
Su: Nah. Let's go with Lucy.  
Lucy: Let's go see the faun.  
Pete: Why not?  
Faun's house again Lucy: His house is torn up. No use being here.  
Pete: What now?  
Lucy: Look, a talking beaver.  
Su: What if he's a bully?  
Pete: Then he'll eat us.  
Ed: We can kill him. He's bad. I know it.  
Beaver1: Here's your hanky, girl.  
Lucy: Don't remember giving it to that faun.  
Beaver1: Let's go to my house.  
Pete: Why not?  
Beaver house Beaver1: Let's eat.  
Pete: Why?  
Beaver1: Fine. Starve to death.  
Beaver2: Here's your food.  
Beaver1: Let's go to Aslan.  
Pete: Whatever.  
Su: But we're not heros.  
Ed: I'm outta here.  
He leaves.  
Su: Where's Ed?  
Beaver1: At the witch's house, dummy.  
Pete: Fine. Let's get to Aslan.  
At witch's house Ed sees statues.  
Ed: They must not have said Your Majesty. Stubborn idiots.  
Wolf: Come with me.  
Ed: Whatever.  
Wolf: Here's the witch.  
Witch: Why didn't you come with your family?  
Ed: Didn't want to.  
Witch: Put him in the clink clink.  
Dwarf: This way for your num nums.  
Ed: Huh uh.  
In dungeon Ed: What are you?  
Faun: I'm a faun.  
Ed: So.  
Faun: You look like your sister.  
Ed: You look like an ape.  
Witch comes in.  
Witch: Where's Aslan.  
Ed: At the Stone Table, I guess.  
Witch: Your lying.  
Ed: Huh uh.  
Witch: Come on, Faun.  
She takes the faun out.  
Beavers house again Beaver1: The wolves are coming. Let's go.  
Pete: Whatever.  
Beaver2: Too bad I can't take the sewing machine.  
Beaver1: Tough luck.  
Su: Don't wanna go.  
Lucy: Me neither.  
Beaver1: Fine, get made into supper or stones.  
Pete: Whatever.  
They leave. Wolves burst in.  
Wolf: They aren't here.  
Other wolf: Duh.  
Witch's house again Witch: Get in the sled, boy.  
Ed: Why?  
Witch: Cause you'll be turned to stone otherwise.  
Ed: Whatever.  
They drive off.  
Outside Lucy: The witch is coming.  
Beaver1: Hide then, dummy.  
Bells heard.  
Beaver1: Come out, idiots, its just Santa Claus.  
Lucy: I don't beleive in Santa Claus.  
Beaver2: Fine, you don't get any presents.  
Santa: Here's your presents. Pete, you get a sword. Su, you get a bow and horn. Lucy, you get some medicine and a knife.  
Lucy: I'm not sick.  
Santa: You might get sick. But fine, I'll take it back.  
Lucy: Here.  
Su: I don't have arrows.  
Santa: Make some. I don't have time.  
Pete: I wanna sheild.  
Santa: Ungrateful wretches.  
The witch's sled Witch: The snow is melting.  
Dwarf: No duh. Aslan is here.  
Witch: Huh uh. It's just some freak accident.  
Ed: They said Aslan is here.  
Witch: I'll turn you both to stone the next time one of you talks.  
Ed (in head): Whatever.  
They walk away.

Aslan's camp Pete: Ooo, creeps. A lion.  
Beaver1: That's Aslan.  
Pete: I wasn't psychollogically prepared for this encounter.  
Su: Talk to him.  
Pete: Aslan, our kid brother went to the witch.  
Aslan: I know.  
Pete: Rescue him.  
Aslan: I don't have to.  
Oreius: Kill him, Aslan.  
Aslan: Shut up.  
Oreius: Ok.  
Aslan: Pete, you are all gonna be kings and queens if you help me.  
Pete: Whatever.  
Hears horn.  
Pete: What's that for?  
Aslan: A wolf is attacking her.  
Pete: So?  
Aslan: Go kill the wolf.  
Pete: Why not?  
He kills wolf.  
Pete: Pest.  
Aslan's camp again Aslan: Go get their kid brother.  
Oreius: Whatever.  
They rescue Ed.  
Aslan: Be nice.  
Ed: Fine.  
Aslan: Say your sorry, or you will be.  
Ed: Sorry.  
Pete: No your not.  
Su: Get out of my face.  
Lucy: Get some sleep. You look like a zombie.  
Oreius: A dwarf is coming.  
Aslan: Let the little mud man come.  
Dwarf: The witch wants to talk to you.  
Aslan: Ok.  
Witch: I want the traitor back.  
Aslan: He's not a traitor. He just made a few bad decisions.  
Witch: I have to have him, or Narnia will go kablooie.  
Aslan: Get out or I'll eat you.  
Witch: Whatever.  
They leave the Stone Table Aslan: Pete, you have to fight by yourself.  
Pete: You deserting?  
Aslan: For a little while. I have to finish something with the witch.  
Pete: Oh, fine.  
Su: Lucy, let's follow Aslan.  
Lucy: Whatever.  
Su: They killed Aslan. Now I bet you wish you had kept the medicine.  
Lucy: Huh uh.  
Su: Let's tell Pete and Ed.  
They tell them.  
Pete: Charge!  
Su: The charge of the light brigade.  
Lucy: Doomed to disaster. Too bad we girls can't fight. We'd whoop em.  
Su: Huh uh.  
Lucy: Uh huh.  
Su: Aslan's back.  
Lu: Let's ride him.  
Su: Whatever.  
Aslan: Witch, I said I'd eat you.  
He eats witch.  
Aslan: Let's go crown you guys.  
Pete: Whatever.  
At castle Aslan: I crown you kings and queens.  
Pete: So.  
Aslan: Act your age.  
Ed: Thought this was something special. Where's the beer.  
Su: Gross.  
Lu: I want to see the faun.  
Aslan: Forgot about him. He's still a statue. Too late. Too bad, so sad.  
Lu: I'm gonna cry.  
She does.  
The forest again Lucy: See the streetlight?  
Ed: Uh huh. So?  
Pete: Thick skull. We get to get out of the wardrobe finally.  
Su: Yes!  
Prof's room again Pete: Sorry, but we lost your coats.  
Prof: So.  
Su: You beleive us?  
Prof: Duh.  
The End 


End file.
